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Monday Musings

January, 2024

MARRIAGE & MONEY

ARE JOINT BANK ACCOUNTS HISTORY?

This is a topic that comes up ALOT in financial coaching sessions. Two people meet, fall in love, and decide to unite in the most significant way on earth. They join heart, life & bodies in marriage, and commit to love until death. Both stakeholders are all about it. But those individual bank accounts? Not those! In previous decades, couples always shared a bank account. Gen Y's & Zoomers - not so much. They are all about keeping money separate.

There are a variety of reasons some partners choose to do this. The purpose of this post is not to dissect all of that with a magnifying glass. There can be some valid opinions about it. However, I challenge you to look at your own personal “why”, if you have decided this is best option for your marriage. If it’s rooted in trauma from the past, such as betrayal, a previous divorce, or financial woes in your family of origin, I understand this is part of your truth story. However, it might be time to take a look at that and dig deeper. I have learned, when a painful event from the past is gently moved out of darkness and into the light, its power can be eradicated. Please know, that wounds can heal! This journey of vulnerability can become a treasured experience in your own life. Don’t be afraid to explore this. If you haven't consolidated because it's a pain in the neck? Don't wait too long. If you are reading this and thinking, "I want my spouse and I to be in lockstep with everything, and that includes combining our finances", congratulations!

On a tactical level, I think financial goals are achieved more expediently when married couples unite and commit to managing finances from one bank account. That’s my philosophy. Also, when you marry your buddy, you have an instant accountability partner! Some people do not like accountability. They feel pressure from it. But to them, I ask why? You BOTH get to choose where the Benjamin’s sit. It's a team effort. It may feel vulnerable and uncertain at first, but I promise it does get better AND easier. You will see the reward as time goes by - as a deeper level of intimacy is continuing to grow. Remember, happily married couples bond over things they do together – and that includes the budget!

False assumptions about combining bank accounts in your marriage:

I'll have no freedom over my income. You and your spouse have your own individual line items in the budget. You both determine what each dollar’s mission is for the month/year. If you want to get your nails and hair done? Do it. If you want to buy a new set of golf clubs? Do it. Just be on the same page with your spouse.
I won’t be independent. This is a mindset that needs some tweaking. Be grateful you have your spouse! Shift your perspective! You have intentionally united yourselves in marriage. You both bring unique strengths (and weakness) to the relationship. You were created as individuals. God had a purpose in that and it wasn't to be identical. There are recognizable differences that each party brings to the relationship. Uniqueness is to be celebrated and not condemned. If you are feeling pressure, share it with your person and hammer it out! Your marriage will be stronger for it!
Combining our money will cause arguments and create disagreements. You and your spouse need to view each conflict regarding money as an outside force. Don’t assign it a space where it doesn't belong. Stick together with the goals you have established for family as a unit! No blame! Lacking money for the kid's extracurricular activities? Sit down and come up with a game plan! Trying to buy a home? Stay home on Saturday night and write down a mutually agreed upon plan on the laptop. If things get heated, put a pin in it and readdress it the next weekend! Not enough for retirement? Approach it together. No emergency fund? Again, tackle these conversations with love and hope. By the way, no one can say they have always been smart with money. Quite the opposite. People can be careless. You followed through with the wedding because you love each other TODAY! You see a future. You didn't allow the weight of the past to cast the deciding vote. You are already winning! Money is the number one cause of marital strife. Don’t let unmet expectations or perceived entitlements rob you of the oneness that comes from being committed in all things.
Transparency is not important. KEEP NO SECRETS! Always provide full disclosure! Small purchases, big purchases (unless it’s been agreed on and is in the budget) is imperative. Otherwise, it is a lightning speed way to unravel your marriage. It’s not worth it. Violated trust is a hard thing to repair.
I want everything separate just in case. If you have a whole lot of money, an option is to get a prenup. But for the record, this 'just in case' viewpoint, except in very rare circumstances, tells me there may a more deep-rooted issue of trust that needs to be discussed with your partner or a professional.

Good marriages don't just happen. They are made strong by unity, respect, commitment and honesty! There will be storms to weather, both internal and external. Please remember, you chose each other! That was the entire point! Money is just another aspect of the relationship; another goal to crush! You can do this and it will be worth it!

My goals for your Financial Wellness:

Create awareness.

Develop a strategy.
Build your budget.
Discover personal motivators.
Learn how to watch for pitfalls!
Empower you to believe in yourself again!

Here is my calendar! You can schedule your complimentary consult right here : )

https://calendly.com/violetfinancialconsulting/complimentaryconsultationwithpam

October, 2023

FEELINGS - NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS

Do feelings always matter? Do our personal feelings need to match every action, reaction, direction, or ambition we chase? Are feelings a turbulent ride, on which every unexpected bump or spontaneous lane change prompts another unexpected response?

OR,

Are feelings suppose to exist as benign bystanders, unable and unwilling to reliably offer any real opportunity for impact and change?

I think it’s both. The real art is knowing the difference — when to push through and when to get out. Remember, positive behavior and thoughts are different than feelings. They are choices we make intently, to move through and push forward on whatever path we deem to be valuable in this life.

May, 2023

PERSPECTIVE TIP

Remember back when we were teenagers? Oh the memories! Too many rites of passage to count OR mention! Do you recall a defining moment, when you stumbled deliriously onto the jagged terrain of teenage “love”?

I remember. It wasn’t love like I thought, but I crushed hard; and I didn’t even know that person! I danced toward the pinnacle of fantasy; toward my very own high school musical.

Have you ever responded to the beckoning quest to find the true purpose of high-school? To set your sights on someone who will make it all worth getting up at 6:00am? Ya, me too.

I obsessed. I planned, coordinated, and strategized each day. I glided down halls where I had no classes, took long, AND WRONG, routes to get where I needed to go, pretended to fall and hurt my ankle to get a reaction, oh how I embarrassed myself!

I was preoccupied with appearance, perception and focused only on what I thought would fix my life at the time. Aqua Net hair and dippity-doo were must haves. My poppin’ white collar, turquoise cashmere vest, matching shoes and gold handbag were super tubular.

Completely focused on all the wrong things, I coordinated, strategized, manipulated…I was sure all I needed was the opportunity for him to see me. Then came the falling grades, misguided input, self deprecating beliefs, denial, disappointment, embarrassment and then shame. What a waste of time.

What causes a person to lose their noodle and give way to ridiculous ideals at that age? Curiosity? Pressure? Emptiness? Dopamine?

What was happening? What need was being met? Seems I was running toward something outside of myself. What about you? Boredom? Emptiness? Something else to obsess about? Maybe. But ultimately, at that age, it was immaturity. An improper view of reality. We didn’t have discernment and lacked the wisdom. We didn’t get the whole picture about having strong priorities or that consequences would be commonplace for a lifetime. It was a merry go round of emotions, combined with tears, anger, laughter and a whole lot of fun. But, what would you do to go back as a wiser adult, and get a redo, Peggy Sue (insert movie plug here).

HERE’S THE THING. Debt and money are often handled the same way!! Impulse, excitement, long roads of compulsive behavior, idealization, ignorance, unnecessary side trips, denial, disappointment, emptiness, ignorance, guilt, shame, and the list goes on.

The untrained eye doesn’t see it coming. Our emotions overpower us. We are careless with perspective and don’t think wisely. We don’t choose the right path or develop our ability to sort through potential risks of self respect destroyers.

There is something appealing that makes us believe we will feel better if we charge for the outfit, get a loan for the car, or put everyone’s dinner on our credit card. It provides a quick boost, and injects a jolt of pleasure into an otherwise mundane day, week or month. BUT, it ends in debt and regret.

Debt is not an abstract thing to be ignored. It is very real. Debt is a life sucker. For people, saving money is not natural. We want to fulfill desires and fill all kinds of voids. Voids that are not meant for consumerism and materialism. It’s not good or healthy! Debt is like wearing cement tennis shoes and being thrown in a lake that is six feet deep. It may not take you out immediately, but over time it will literally suck the life out of you.

I can help you break the cycle if you let me! Breaking up with debt IS HARD to do! It is NOT EASY! But with a clear mind of discernment, and commitment to the process of fostering new behaviors, it can be done! That is what I do and why I am here! Message me to get going! I want to help : )

I will create a strategy for you!
I will help you start a budget!
I will help you discover your motivators!
I will teach you how to watch for pitfalls!
I will teach you to believe in yourself again!

April, 2023

LIFE TIP!

How do we know when the career we choose is the right one? How many WRONG decisions need to be made before we can rest in the resolve of our most recent career decision?

Do we have to know before we turn 21? Does a bomb detonate on our 25th birthday for all the family and friends to see? Is it 30? What about that little kid in elementary school who was as sure as rain would fall, that he wanted to become an astronaut and land on the moon? What did he have that we didn’t?

What about the high school graduate, heading off to college as a business major, who is no more certain of that path than I am, when I contemplate hanging the pink and orange, retro wallpaper in the upstairs bathroom.

Which course will this story take? Maybe he does do the college thing. He graduates and makes a good living with loads of student loan debt, or uses his grandparent's 529 Savings Plan. Maybe our high school graduate wants to instead become a minimalist and have NO DEBT. He moves to the beach, lives in his van and works at Sea World (or rescuing otters FROM Sea World). WE DON’T KNOW! There are lots of possible scenarios in between.

I have gone down several career tracks in my lifetime and GUESS WHAT!? I wouldn’t have it any other way! My first full time job, I was a copywriter working in Sherman Oaks, California; like at the Galleria! IYKYK 😊 I have learned so much about people and purpose! I am still learning! Where have I landed? Finance and the behavior of people!

MY POINT? Some people know and some don’t know!

📌New grad?

📌Empty nest parent?

📌Stuck in a slump?

📌Not sure, but just plugging along in the meantime?

THAT IS OKAY! Keep moving! Keep discovering passions and DO NOT stop or settle. If you have new ideas, explore them! It’s not too late! EVER! Do it! Get up in the morning and be grateful to the Lord, that he gave you another day of life. DON’T WASTE TIME. Make your money work for you!

Student loans are a bummer! Community College is something to be proud of, in more ways than one! Transfer to a four-year college if a degree is what YOU want! Learn a trade! Join the military! There is so much out there!

Don’t be a slave to the day job! There is purpose when you are doing what you love!!!

March, 2023

MONEY TIP!

This is a great starting point. Typically, people don’t WANT to do this. Staying in the deep abyss of denial feels better. Until….UNTIL you realize you are in over your head!

📌 Here it is:

✅Keep track of all your expenses—that means every coffee, smoothie or personal care expense, household items or cash tips! Record your expenses. Every. Single. Thing. For one month.
✅Reach out to me for a strategy to build up your nest egg and get rid of debt.
✅Sleep well through the night because you are no longer lying underneath the situation as a victim; uncertain how you will move through this.
✅You learn what victory feels like, as you stand on a mountain mixed with past experience and learned lessons!

February, 2023

EMOTIONAL WELLNESS TIP!

Sometimes it feels like our perceived failures call us out from the rearview mirror!! 👺 We avoid trying again altogether, because we are afraid!! BUT GUESS WHAT??? Failures are not failures!! 💪🏼💪🏼 They are steps on a journey that lead to freedom – IF we stay the course! Keep your personal destination in mind!🚘🛳

January, 2023